Mountain to Climb

Do you ever feel like you have a mountain to climb? I have.. I still do. I can see that getting up and moving and doing something would probably help me shed this listless feeling I have but I just can't seem to do it. I sit here thinking about how the sun is out and I should quickly go take advantage of it before the rainclouds come back but feel like the rainclouds hover over me just the same.
What do people think of me I wonder. Do they point and roll their eyes thinking that I am making too much of my loss? Do they empathize with me and say it's amazing how strong I manage to be. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle with a few occupants at both ends as well.
Why do I write this online? Probably because there is a comfort in being able to speak about what's happened to me with the anonymity of knowing that no one actually ever probably reads it. No one out there is worried about the ramblings of another depressed person. And yet I still feel a human connection that writing in a journal lacks for me.
Somewhere out there my two baby girls Grace and Angel who never even got a chance at life press upon my heart. I feel my failure in my ability to bring them to this gift of life that I have been given. This gift of life that so many people take for granted and never appreciate. The greatest indication of this is the waiting room full of women..myself sitting there watching, devastated yet again, watching the 18year old girl talking to her friend about how the baby she is so obviously carrying is such a problem and how the boy at the party she saw last night...the one who just got out of jail for beating up a cop.. is just sooo hot. I feel the injustice of it all. Why would a girl who is not prepared for a child and who so obviously will probably make several bad life choices in the future be capable of bringing a child into that situation so effortlessly while I struggle to do the same. I'm not wealthy, I'm not the best or most gracious person out there, I am no saint and yet I like to think that I would be a better mother than that girl. I think of all the children brought into this world by accident or carelessness and yet many out there struggle like myself so hard to bring that joy into their lives.
And this, this is the mountain I struggle to climb. I struggle to overcome my distaste and sadness with my life and to find the joy in the husband I have and my little boy who showers me with love each and every day. To find the answer on how to move forward. How to return to normal.. whatever my new normal may be.

Depressed?

I sit here wondering could it be that I'm depressed or just depressing? After the last month I've had I suppose no would blame me but I still feel a deep rooted sense of guilt for not being on the top of my game. Christmas is not the easiest season to be suffering the effects of grief.
I try to be supportive of my family but find that encouraging these relationships takes more energy than I have at this time.. I hope it gets better soon and that they can forgive my inability to interact at this time.
I used to feel like I was witty and even sometimes amusing but I find it hard to find something to laugh about.. I feel guilty feeling so horrible over what some would consider a small thing compared to the trials in their lives and yet I feel the same way about other people complaining.
I realize the irony in complaining about the hand I've been given while feeling anger and frustration when I see people complaining about their trials and tribulations which seem so minor and trifling compared to mine. Even the knowledge that it's a big deal to them doesn't make me feel any more compassionate. The last time this happened to me I remember my explosive rage..this time it seems to be more of a slow rolling boil. The anger never fully goes away.

To Learn

So I decided today that something I lack is the ability to manipulate my photographs. Most photographers before digital learned how to get it right in the camera and then how to make it POP in the darkroom. I have never developed film and so I feel sometimes I am far behind those who some people would call Old Fashioned. I wish I had their knowledge.
To attempt to correct this I decided to google (I swear one day Google will rule the world with how dependant we have all become on it) and learn just one new skill today for photoshop manipulation. I chose how to make a picture black and white. This would seem such a simple skill and yet I did not just want to take the colour away I wanted to learn the proper way to manipulate a photo to get the best black and white picture I could.
I would like to thank all the people out there that attempted to make a guide online for dummies like me but would like to point out that step by step instructions are pointless if I still don't know where to find the menu/choices/Palettes you speak about. Instead I stumbled across a website that explained how to isolate a colour.. so after two hours of hair pulling then an hour of figuring it all out.. this is what I'm left with.

Just Layin Around

I have realized today thanks to my son that perhaps I'm not setting the best example of how to be a get up and go personality. I learnt this when my little munchkin of four wise old years saw that I had gotten dressed and asked me where we were going. I asked him why he thought we were going anywhere and he looked at him like I had grown two heads and politely said.."because you got showered Mommy".
Who doesn't love a day where one can lay around in their PJ's all day and do as little as possible. I have come to realize with this little gem of truth however that perhaps in the last while that the PJ days have become more normal than the get up and get showered days. I also realize that perhaps I need to revise this normal so that it's not quite a shock to his system when I act like a normal Mommy should.
Here's a photo that's all about just laying around...

Life Goes On

It's been a few weeks since the nightmare of my life was so cruelly dragged before me yet again. After having felt sorry for myself for this amount of time and doing very little at all which led to feeling more depressed which led to wanting to do less I realized that I needed to break the cycle.. so I decided it was time to get out of the house.
I attended a Christmas party and other than one horrible instance where someone shouted out and brought the whole tables attention to a brand new baby in the restaurant that one of the girls knew, and made me want to cry, I managed to muddle through.
Today I decided to go take some photos and try to put some normal back in my life. Here is my favorite photo of the day.

Horrible few months

It's been a horrible few months.. I recently lost the a baby who was stillborn at 20 weeks pregnant.. for the second time. I don't know much to say other than this makes me unbearably sad and angry at the world in general.
I realize too that people just don't understand how to act around you when this happens. They are either too overly cautious and don't know how to talk to you anymore which unfortunately leads to several very uncomfortable conversations. The polar opposite to this situation is it's that they just don't get it...it's not that they are completely insensitive to your loss but they don't understand what they are saying may upset you. They feel that it's important to share with you how disappointed they are that their 20 year old got pregnant and aren't ready to be a mother. It's as if I am supposed to feel sympathy for their situation, how I should feel sorry for a 20 year old who will be able to have something I tried so hard to have and was unsuccessful. I mean seriously.. where is your filter!
Having said that said that and perhaps too much in general, for just a few short minutes ago I was saying I didn't know what to say I sure found a lot, I wonder at what has happened to me. I wonder at the injustices that occur in life.
Perhaps one of the most difficult moments for me was sitting in the doctor's office waiting to hear if they could find a reason that my baby has passed away and hearing the 20 year old female talking about how the guy at the party last night that just got out of jail was just so very hot. I would like to think that my family situation would be a better and safer life for that child and yet she will carry her child to full term no problem and I will not. I will never know my little girls, both of whom I've lost with no reason the doctors can pinpoint despite all the precautions we took.
Life isn't fair.

Minigolfing

So my son wakes up this morning and askes to play Nintendo Wii. It's early, I'm only half awake so I stumble downstairs.. get it set up and take me, my book and a cup of tea outside on the deck and I read while he plays Nintendo. Then about ten minutes later he comes out and looks at me. I ask him what he wants and he says as calm as you please... "I think you should take me to minigolf today".
This is probably the first time he's asked me to take him somewhere specific. Usually it's me running through a list of choices and him picking one.
We had a short discussion about waiting for his Daddy to wake up after his night shift and then off we went. He's getting better at playing properly but he's not quite there yet. He hits it off the start properly then he just plays hockey with it til it's in the hole then he calls it a hole in two. Silly little boy who reminds me everyday why I love him so much.

Tammy

Bad Mother?

Well I'm not sure if this qualifies me as a bad mother but I've injured my child. It sounds a lot more ominous than it actually is however. For my Father In Laws 60th birthday he gathered his little hatchlings around him. Unfortunately one couldn't attend being in a different country but the rest of us were there with our little hatchlings.
Now this Auntie decided to go show her fourteen year old soccer playing niece how it's done but quickly realizing I had no idea how to play I decided to just change the game. It soon turned into a straight up wrestling match for the soccerball. And here is where the folly started.
As we wrestled the other kids wanted to get in on the fun and started to run over to where we were. I then swung my niece around so I could get a better grip on the ball.. her feet swung out and tripped my younger niece who tripped and fell on my son. Enter Tears and crying.
As it turns out the only way to get him to stop was to put a special foot bandaid on his foot (a tenser bandage) and let him play super mario on the wii.
I've now had to take him to the doctor who sent him for an xray of his foot and I'm hoping it's not fracture since 3 days later he's still favoring it.
What a comedy of errors. Elegance nor grace have ever been used to describe me and this reminds me why.

Family

Family is in town today and I sit here and ponder what to do. I want to visit but I also want time to myself.. so the battle wages within myself as to which will take priority. I think family. I have learned recently you just never know how long that person will be around. You just never know when the unthinkable will happen so it's best to take advantage while you can. Having said that sacrificing that time alone isn't always easy. I hope you are afforded many chances to make that decision in your future.

All Alone

So my Grandma daycare decides to take the weekend and head off to see her other grandchildren. Normally this would cause a bit of scrambling to try and find someone else to take care of my son but this time she wants to take him with her. My husband and I discussed it and decide.. 3 days with no kid .. is there a downside to this.

I'm here officially to say that YES there is. About five hot seconds after he left my house I was already missing him and he wasn't even leaving town yet. He was merely spending the night at Grandma's house so that he could take off with them first thing in the morning.

The next day while he was driving I realized what it felt like to have no control. Every horrible catastrophe played through my head while I tried to convince myself I was just being a drama queen. I felt powerless and weirdly it wasn't that I was terrified something would happen to him.. I was terrified that if something DID happen to him I wouldn't be there to comfort him.. I wouldn't be there to make things just a little less scary for him. Does that make any sense.. probably not but there it is.

He of course went and hung out with his cousins and had a lot of fun doing so to the point where when I called him I kept getting dead air as an answer to my questions until he answered honestly.. "Mommy I think I'm done talking to you." There you have it, no matter how much I was sitting there missing him he was having more fun than you can imagine and that little tidbit made it all worth it for me.

I'm happy that he had fun but I'm happier he's home.

Car Show

So in the typical fashion of Murphy's Law my husband and I decide to head off the local car show in town. It's a bit gloomy out but ever the optimists we figure hey.. just means we won't sweat our butts off.

We head down to the car show and thankfully brought a couple umbrellas. Just as we arrive it starts to sprinkle. Just as it we get to where the cars are.. its starts to POUR! There we are with our cameras on our tripods and our umbrella's over those while our backs get drenched. All in all I still had a lot of fun.

Work Work Work

Here I sit looking forward to another day of work. Oh wait no I'm not. I'd much rather be at home or out taking pictures. Having said that I do enjoy my work I just enjoy being off work more.

I'm pretty sure my kid loves it when I work though. He asked me what we were doing today. I said you're going to your Mammy's (grandma's) and Mommy has to work. He mulls this over then asked, do I get to spend the night? I said yes. He practically jumps out of his skin, clapping his hands and jumping around hollering Yay! You would think this sleeping over is a once in a lifetime kind of deal based on the level of his reaction istead of a once or twice a week kind of thing. I'm happy to know he loves it there, makes going to work much easier.

Ever Wonder

Do you ever wonder what you are doing with your life? Ever just sit there and think about the many crossroads you've passed along the path of your life and what might be different if you had taken one of those instead?

My husband and I discussed that recently and it got me to thinking. I'm pretty content with my life. There isn't much I would want to change about it. Well maybe lotto numbers I picked last week. I've had some things happen to me I'd love to be different but actual choices I've made..not so much. I guess that makes me a pretty lucky girl. I can't help but wonder if I would be as happy if I made different choices. Perhaps I'd be a "career woman".. perhaps I'd be a bum. Both variations were very viable based on choices I had the chance to make. Today I am neither.. I have a career which I love but I'm not driven in the same manner that I feel a Career woman is, I sometimes don't do as much as I'd like but I'm not a lazy bum or slob either.

If anything I would say my life very much is a life of a happy medium. No extreme highs, no extreme lows and I'm very thankful for that. My life of mediocrity is a life of contentment in most cases.

A bit too much

So I take my kid to a movie.. he loves it.. doesn't stop talking about it for three weeks. I download a short story application for it on my Iphone. He watches that five minute synopsis every day for 2 more weeks. I think to myself, Great! I want to do something fun and special for him so why don't we go see that movie again. Only one little problem..the only place it's still in theatre is in 3D. Now we originally watched it in 2D so I say to myself..he's only four.. maybe it'll be too much for him in 3D. I reason with myself that he has already seen the movie so he knows it ends happy. I him and haw back and forth and finally make the decision to go for it.

You know how when some people watch a scary movie they cover their eyes but they peek between their fingers because they can't resist? That was my kid tonight. One minute he loved it.. the next he was terrified but in the end we managed to get through it and at the end he said it was GREAT! I guess count one to the good but I'm thinking it'll be awhile before we hit another 3D movie. The rest of the world may be ready for the 3D phenomenon but my four year old certainly isn't.

To the Zoo

So I take my kid to the zoo today. Why? because it's practically the first day where that yellow orb, that is generally found in the sky, was actually visible! That's right.. the sun was out for the first time in what seems like months. After touring around all the different animals I ask my son... What was your favorite part?

His Answer: The Map

That's right.. he liked the map we picked up at the front gate the best out of everything in the zoo (which I grant you was very fun to look at with all the cartoon animals on it) .. including the huge playground that he insisted on visiting three times. I think to myself, Gee, I could have saved myself the admission and just gotten him a map and then pretended to follow it somewhere! What an absolute card he is sometimes.

Had a great time though and got to play with my new camera so that makes me a happy girl.