Mountain to Climb

Do you ever feel like you have a mountain to climb? I have.. I still do. I can see that getting up and moving and doing something would probably help me shed this listless feeling I have but I just can't seem to do it. I sit here thinking about how the sun is out and I should quickly go take advantage of it before the rainclouds come back but feel like the rainclouds hover over me just the same.
What do people think of me I wonder. Do they point and roll their eyes thinking that I am making too much of my loss? Do they empathize with me and say it's amazing how strong I manage to be. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle with a few occupants at both ends as well.
Why do I write this online? Probably because there is a comfort in being able to speak about what's happened to me with the anonymity of knowing that no one actually ever probably reads it. No one out there is worried about the ramblings of another depressed person. And yet I still feel a human connection that writing in a journal lacks for me.
Somewhere out there my two baby girls Grace and Angel who never even got a chance at life press upon my heart. I feel my failure in my ability to bring them to this gift of life that I have been given. This gift of life that so many people take for granted and never appreciate. The greatest indication of this is the waiting room full of women..myself sitting there watching, devastated yet again, watching the 18year old girl talking to her friend about how the baby she is so obviously carrying is such a problem and how the boy at the party she saw last night...the one who just got out of jail for beating up a cop.. is just sooo hot. I feel the injustice of it all. Why would a girl who is not prepared for a child and who so obviously will probably make several bad life choices in the future be capable of bringing a child into that situation so effortlessly while I struggle to do the same. I'm not wealthy, I'm not the best or most gracious person out there, I am no saint and yet I like to think that I would be a better mother than that girl. I think of all the children brought into this world by accident or carelessness and yet many out there struggle like myself so hard to bring that joy into their lives.
And this, this is the mountain I struggle to climb. I struggle to overcome my distaste and sadness with my life and to find the joy in the husband I have and my little boy who showers me with love each and every day. To find the answer on how to move forward. How to return to normal.. whatever my new normal may be.