It's been a horrible few months.. I recently lost the a baby who was stillborn at 20 weeks pregnant.. for the second time. I don't know much to say other than this makes me unbearably sad and angry at the world in general.
I realize too that people just don't understand how to act around you when this happens. They are either too overly cautious and don't know how to talk to you anymore which unfortunately leads to several very uncomfortable conversations. The polar opposite to this situation is it's that they just don't get it...it's not that they are completely insensitive to your loss but they don't understand what they are saying may upset you. They feel that it's important to share with you how disappointed they are that their 20 year old got pregnant and aren't ready to be a mother. It's as if I am supposed to feel sympathy for their situation, how I should feel sorry for a 20 year old who will be able to have something I tried so hard to have and was unsuccessful. I mean seriously.. where is your filter!
Having said that said that and perhaps too much in general, for just a few short minutes ago I was saying I didn't know what to say I sure found a lot, I wonder at what has happened to me. I wonder at the injustices that occur in life.
Perhaps one of the most difficult moments for me was sitting in the doctor's office waiting to hear if they could find a reason that my baby has passed away and hearing the 20 year old female talking about how the guy at the party last night that just got out of jail was just so very hot. I would like to think that my family situation would be a better and safer life for that child and yet she will carry her child to full term no problem and I will not. I will never know my little girls, both of whom I've lost with no reason the doctors can pinpoint despite all the precautions we took.
Life isn't fair.
